I have just gotten off the phone with my Oncologist. At this time, I appear to be in total remission! Not sure what that really means but as I hear it, my cancer is not detectible to the human eye. Unfortunately, Prostate Cancer never goes away. It just hides somewhere and when you least expect it, there it is. Because of this, I must continue to have therapy for my cancer with occasional holidays so that I don't build up a tolerance to the meds. To my way of thinking, this means that at present, I don't have the reaper leaning over my shoulder. For the past five years, I have expected that I would not see my 65 birthday and now it seems that I can expect to make it way past that.
My family as a whole are very long lived. Both my father and grandfather made it into their late eighties even though that were total boozers. My dad, lived on three packs of cigarettes, a half gallon of wine and a box of doughnuts a day for the last three years of his life. My grandfather dies of scleroses of the liver at 87. Since I am not a drinker, I figure that I may make it as long as my great grandfather did who lived to 94. This has now forced me to look at my life and what it is that I want from it.
As a retired person, I must live on what I have put away and social security. For the past few years, I have been spending my nest egg in a caviler fashion assuming that I only had a few years left. Now the tables has turned. OMG! Can you say austerity plan? I have been planning a trip out west, a sort of whirlwind tour of the left coast to see friends and relatives. I planned to drive out at the end of March but now I'm not sure I should. In order to do this, I need to have enough money to keep my house operating (heating, electricity, monthly charges like satellite, cable, music software service, etc. I then need to have enough to entertain my friends and relatives as I don't want to be, or for that matter even look like, I'm a sponge. I also need hotel rooms (that accept pets) for the trip out, around and back. The question becomes can I do this without dipping into the reserves that now have to last for a much longer period of time. So, I'm in a quandary. To go or not to go? I will have to sit down and actually plan this all out in the next few weeks. Friends and relatives who are expecting me in April and May, I will get back to you.
There is also another problem (not so much a problem as another quandary). What to do with myself. I had pretty much put myself on the shelf, so to speak, and had considered that relationships would be for someone else. What did I have to offer in a relationship but pain and suffering as I went down hill toward that long good night. I have never wanted a nurse or a purse. But now, now, I have time. How do I proceed? I just can't imagine going out to the bars. I don't drink and since I come from a long line of alcoholics, I am attracted to drunks. This will not work. Over the past 20 years, I have participated in just about every gay group that has come to be in Portland. I sang in the Gay Men's Chorus. I founded a monthly meeting group for socializing that didn't involve drinking. I participated in a pot luck supper group that met monthly. Yes, I met men at these organizations, but no one that “rang my bell.” I feel that I am just too old to do the jumping through hoops that is required in order to meet someone. I have even resorted to on-line mate matching organizations. To date, this has been an experiment in disaster. Chemistry.com keeps sending me matches from the New York City area or beyond. I'm not sure that these people really know what they are doing. I tried to be clear with my profile but the only person I actually heard from was someone who seemed to be the neediest person in the world. What's with that? The rest, just sit there and don't respond. You know, men can be such cowards.
So here I am, living with dogs (don't get me wrong, I love my pets and as companions they are tops. They don't talk back and love everything.) and I suspect that I will be alone for the rest of my life, which now looks like a long time. So... I guess I need to find things that are fun to do. To that end, I may take that whirlwind trip out west or better yet, take a trip to Tuscany. I will work on my train layout. I will learn to use the Pro Tools software I got last fall and make music. I will take my camera out at least once a week and shoot photos. And, I will continue to write. Who knows, maybe I will finally finish that screen play I started 20 years ago. I am turning over a new leaf. I will live each day as though it is my last with the promise of many more to come. And you, my friends, will be the first to hear about it.
